Giving is great - all round. And so is connecting with others. They are both real happiness boosters. So if you've got an idea or a knack for organising, why not make something happen for a good cause and get a real double whammy for happiness!
Why do it?
Connecting with others is at the heart of human happiness and so is doing things to help others. While giving money to good causes is great and important to do, what we can bring in terms of energy and time is often more important than what we can give financially ourselves. Making something happen for a good cause is good for us too - we can use our strengths, build our competence and boost our positive emotions.
Fundraising can be fantastic fun, involving your friends, family, colleagues, neighbours in activities, entertainment, sports and more and so it can be good for others as well as ourselves. Providing them with an opportunity for giving, connecting and having fun. What's more it can be great for our local communities as a way of bringing people together.
And of course, most importantly of all, it's great for thecharities we help and the causes they serve. Charities depend on donations to do their work and so using our time and talents to raise money, helps them to help others. Through the support of community fundraisers, charities can reach more people and make a bigger difference to people who need extra care.
Where to start
1. Choose a cause
Ideally choose something that you feel passionate about. Charities all have a specific purpose and focus and it's important to find one that you really believe in. Some ideas to get you started:
Perhaps you've got a cause you care about but are not sure which charity to support? Have a look at the Guidestar website - a comprehensive database of all the registered charities in the UK to find organisations which match your interests
If you want more detail on your chosen charity, then visit the Charity Commission website (for charities in England and Wales) or the Office of the Scottish Charity Regulator (for charities in Scotland). These are the formal regulatory bodies for all registered charities and you can find out more detail about every charity in the country here.
You can contact any charities you're interested in and ask them for information about what they do - they will be delighted to hear that you're thinking of supporting them and will gladly answer your questions.
2. Talk to friends and family
Speak to your friends and family- They might also care about your chosen cause and want to get involved. Having a group of you will mean more ideas, more time, and more resources to make it happen. Remember, many hands make light work (and builds relationships too)!
3. Get connected
Once you've decided which charity you want to fundraise for, let them know. Charities will be delighted you have chosen to help them and will be very happy to provide support. Some may have existing campaigns that you can get involved with, some will have sponsored events that you can take part in, and many will even have fundraising packs to help you organise your own event. It's also important to let them know what you're planning to do and ask permission before you use their name.
4. Decide on an activity
Choose an activity or event that you want to organise. The sky's the limit and don't be afraid to get creative. Here are some ideas:
There are some other ideas are here:
5. Get planning
Once you've chosen your charity and an event or activity, it's time to get busy. Get your plans together:
Don't forget to keep your chosen charity informed of your plans - they may be able to help you with materials and advice.
6. Ask people for money to support your cause
It may seem obvious but it's crucial to tell people how much you want and how it's going to make a difference. You may be asking them to donate, or you may be giving them something in return. Either way, do make sure they know how their money will help others.
Note: There are some rules and regulations about handling money so do seek advice from your chosen charity before you get to this stage. One very easy way to manage the money you raise is through websites like Just Giving, Bmycharity or Everyclick. It is quick and easy and makes it very simple for people to donate, and takes the paperwork and money-counting off your hands.
7. Enjoy it!
Try to remember to enjoy it - not only might you be having fun with friends, colleagues or neighbours, or meeting new ones; you'll also be raising money that will make a big difference to a good cause so you deserve to feel proud and satisfied!
More info here: http://www.actionforhappiness.org/take-action/make-something-happen-for-a-good-cause
Sometimes someone we know is going through tough times. Letting them know that someone is there for them can make all the difference and help them get through. Here are some ideas to try.
Connecting with people is vital for happiness and supporting others is critical for creating happycommunities, yet when we are down or experiencing a rough patch in life (which we all do from time to time) it is easy to feel alone. And it can be hard to ask for support and help even from people we know well.
So when we can see that a friend, family member or someone we know in our community is having a hard time, reaching out to help them, even in a small way, can have an impact in helping them see light at the end of the tunnel.
Compassion when others are in distress is at the heart of happiness and flourishing communities and societies. It is a basic human emotion defined as recognising another person's suffering and wanting to take action to stop or reduce it. [1][2] As a fundamental part of human nature compassionate acts need no expectation of reward. But being there for others means that they are more likely to be there for us when we need help. Doing things for others also generates positive emotions for the giver as well as the receiver.
Where to start?
1. Tune into to how they're feeling
Knowing what to do to help when a friend need's support starts with tuning into them and their situation and matching that with what you are able to do. It sounds more complex than it is. Compassion is a natural response, but it is best done with a little sensitivity. If you think of something and you aren't sure how well it will be received, why tell them what you'd like to do for them and ask if it would be helpful? Remember it doesn't have to be a big thing, small gestures can be just as valuable.
2. Reach out to help them
What goes around comes around - and with kindness it really does. Research shows that being kind to others increases our own levels of happiness as well as theirs. What's more it has a knock-on effect - kindness is contagious, so it makes our communities nicer places to be.
Recent research into brain functioning has confimed that we are hard-wired for love and compassion. So it's not all chasing about individual success - our communities and society flourish when people look out for each other.
When we're kind to people we know it strengthens our connections with them and provides a source of support. Research shows that we may benefit from giving support more than those receiving it - and we're also more likely get support in return when we need it. This may not be like-for-like support, or even from the same person, but being kind to others builds a wider support network which increases well-being all round.
Doing kind things for strangers helps build co-operation, trust and a sense of safety in our communities. It also helps us to see others more positively and empathise with them. These are the foundations of a thriving local community and a flourishing society - one which builds well-being all round.
1. Plan for kindness - Do some thinking about what you might do to spread some kindness - then you're more likely to spot opportunities when they come up. Make yourself a list of small actions you could take in your daily life - they don't have to cost any money at all. Think about people you know and others that you pass byin the course of the day. What could you do today or tomorrow? What do you feel drawn to doing? There are lots of ideas below to get you thinking.
2. Have a kindness day - On a particular day, perhaps once a week, try to perform at least 5 different acts of kindness for different people. Make these things that you wouldn't ordinarily do. Afterwards, think: How did you feel after you did each act? How do you feel at the end of the day? You could also do this as a challenge with friends and get together in the evening to talk about what you got up to. Go on spread a little kindness!
3. Do it together - Try to think about kind things you could do with friends, family or neighbours. You can swap ideas and support each other. Doing new things together helps build connections, which also increases happiness, so it's a win all round. If you've got children, get them thinking about what they can do too. Ask them what kind acts they gave or received that day - they might share some lovely stories with you!
More info at http://www.actionforhappiness.org/take-action/do-kind-things-for-others
Whether it's a one-off or something you do on a regular basis, volunteering is good all round. As well as making a positive contribution to the happiness of others, it's a great way to meet people, get the most out of your local area and to increase your own happiness and wellbeing.
Science shows that we can get as much out of volunteering as the people we are giving our time for or to.
Giving to others through volunteering and in other ways has been associated with reduced depression and anxiety and increased personal wellbeing and happiness. Indeed one researcher described the 'helpers high'. [1]
What's more, volunteering is one way to actively participate in social and community life, which is also strongly associated with happiness and life satisfaction. [2]
Step 1: Think
What sort of volunteering would work best for you practically? Although it's definitely good to push our boundaries (see Keep learning new things) we're likely to make the biggest impact if it fits with our situation, likes and skills. [3]
A good place to get started is to think about:
Step 2. Find an opportunity that fits
There are lots of ways to find volunteering opportunities that are a good fit for you. Here are some ideas
It's so easy to take each other for granted but an investment of effort and attention in your closest relationship will pay dividends in happiness - for you and your partner.
Why Do it?
The quality of our closest relationships can have a huge impact on our own happiness and that of our partner. Historically, psychologists have spent time looking into what goes wrong in relationships. Although a relatively new field, there is a growing body of evidence about what makes relationships go right. [1]
There are many practical things we can do to enhance our closest relationships. Many of these are very simple, they just require some thought and conscious attention. Why not give them a try? You may be surprised how much difference they make.
According to social psychologist John Harvey, the key to growing and maintaining a good relationship is effort and persistence. He and his colleagues developed the 'Minding Model' of relationships to show what makes relationships last and grow - as summarised below. [2]
The sections below provide some suggestions to help build your skills in some of these areas.
More info: http://www.actionforhappiness.org/take-action/enhance-your-relationship-with-your-partner
It's easy to take our nearest and dearest for granted. Constant criticism can be highly destructive, but we often fall into this trap, especially in established relationships. But if we take time to bring to mind what we value and appreciate about others, we can both get more enjoyment from our time together.
Research shows that focusing on the good things that happen to us each day helps to increase our happiness. And the same is true for our close relationships too. Psychologist John Gottman has carried out extensive research in to what makes relationships work or fail. His research has shown that constant criticism is highly destructive.
Yet it's so easy to fall into this trap, especially in established relationships. After all, as human beings, evolution has caused us to be naturally on the look out for what's wrong rather than what's right.
Gottman suggests that for happy relationships we should actually aim for five positive interactions with our partner for every negative one. He suggests that we consciously aim to achieve this balance by showing affection, saying thank you and thinking about what we value in our partners and other loved ones.
Focus on a partner, close friend or family member and take time to think through the following questions - in each case try to note down specific examples:
1. What drew you to your partner or your friend when you first met? 2. What things have you really enjoyed doing together during your relationship? 3. What things do you really appreciate about them right now? 4. What are their strengths?
Then (and this is the important bit!), when you're with that person take the time to notice and acknowledge these things - their strengths, the things they do that you really appreciate, the happy times you've shared together and so on.
It's unlikely to be practical to do this type of reflection for everyone we know. But we can still use the same principles to improve all our relationships.
For example, before spending time with someone, take a moment just to think about the things you like, appreciate or admire about them or how they make you feel good.
Similarly, after spending time with someone, think about the things you appreciated or what you enjoyed about your time together.
More info: http://www.actionforhappiness.org/take-action/look-for-the-good-in-those-around-you
Good communication is at the heart of happy relationships of all kinds. It's about understanding others' needs and having our needs heard. And it's a skill that can be learned that will help deepen our connections with the people around us.
Communication is at the heart of any good relationship. Sharing our thoughts and needs and listening to those of others is critical for forming close relationships and for making us feel valued and understood. Good communication is of course two-way - it involves one person expressing what they have to say and the other person listening. It sounds simple but relationship difficulties are often caused by poor communication. Either we find it hard to share clearly what our needs are or we fail to hear those of the person we are communicating with.
We all share some common needs, for example to be treated respectfully, to belong, to experience joy and to feel safe. If we can get a clearer understanding of the needs driving our own and other people's behaviour, we have a much better chance of being able to have richer, deeper and more positive relationships.
This sort of understanding is important whether we are communicating good things, making a request or explaining why something is bothering us. If we're angry with someone, our anger is because we have some important underlying needs that have not been met. If we don't explain our needs that person may misinterpret why we are angry and is more likely to get angry or upset in return. This can lead to a spiral of misunderstanding.
If instead we recognise our needs and those of others, we have the opportunity to connect with what is underneath the ways people act. We also have the best chance of having our own needs met if we are able to express clearly what these are. It's about giving and inviting empathy and about being open and honest.
An effective approach to help communicate needs is using Nonviolent Communication (NVC). The technique was created by psychologist Dr. Marshall Rosenberg and it helps deepen our connections with others by building respect, empathy and understanding. The NVC approach is based on the principles of nonviolence and compassion. It has been used to build relationships and resolve conflicts across the world. Why not give it a try?
The starting point for NVC is that we are compassionate by nature. It assumes we all share the same, basic human needs and that each of our actions or behaviours is a strategy to meet one or more of these needs.
Many of the difficulties in relationships come from us not explaining clearly what our needs are or from someone feeling that their needs are not being met. NVC provides a simple framework to enable us to identify and communicate what our needs are in each of these situations.
Feelings and emotions are triggered in response to our underlying needs. To help us understand our feelings we look underneath them to our needs or values. A key point in NVC is that as individuals we take responsibility for our own feelings. Other people can trigger our feelings, but the choice is ours about how we respond. Just being more aware that needs underlie emotional reactions in others and ourselves can help us to communicate better.
More info
We all have some needs or expectations that we can't express precisely. Sometimes when we listen to others to find out what they need we see what we need too. It is kind of defines our needs.
Mindfulness is a key skill for happiness and we can do it wherever we are. So here are some ideas to get started - it'll help you get more from your day!
In our busy lives we constantly have our head full or thoughts about the future or about the past - what are we going to do next or what are we going to become or how well or badly we just did. This means we're often not that aware of what is around us, and what happening in the here and now. So there's likely to be a lot good stuff that we miss (or not so good stuff that we really need to be aware of). It also means that we often do things more out of unconscious habit rather than fully conscious choice.
Being mindful means being more fully aware of what is around us - what we can see, hear, touch and taste. And what is happening inside - our thoughts and feelings. It's about learning to observe all this but not getting caught up in thinking or worrying about it, so being able to choose what we then attend to.
Mindfulness has been shown to help us be healthier, less affected by stress, more relaxed, more creative, more open to learning, sleep better, improve our relationships with others and feel happier and more satisfied with our lives.
What's great is it's a skill that anyone can learn and benefit from. It is very simple, and need take only a few minutes a day. But it does take a bit of practice and it may be hard at first. Keep at it and you'll feel the benefits in many areas of your life.
There are lots of different ways to practice mindfulness. If you can, a good place to learn and experience it is to join a class or use a CD or online tool (see Resources below). And there is also a separate action on this website if you'd like to learn how to meditate, which is a great way to be more mindful. However, we can all start by trying a few simple exercises during our daily routine. Try one of these for a week or two and notice what you notice!
1. Observing mindfully
This is about simply trying to increase what we're aware of and our consciousness of what is around us. It only takes a few extra minutes. Here are some ideas to try:
2. Walking mindfully
3. Eating mindfully
Eating is a great opportunity to practice mindfulness. Have a go…may be try it with a piece of you favourite fruit or even some chocolate…
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Impeccable means “without sin” and a sin is something you do or believe that goes against yourself. It means not speaking against yourself, to yourself or to others. It means not rejecting yourself. To be impeccable means to take responsibility for yourself, to not participate in “the blame game.”
Regarding the word, the rules of “action-reaction” apply. What you put out energetically will return to you. Proper use of the word creates proper use of energy, putting out love and gratitude perpetuates the same in the universe. The converse is also true.
Impeccability starts at home. Be impeccable with yourself and that will reflect in your life and your relationships with others. This agreement can help change thousands of other agreements, especially ones that create fear instead of love.
In my profession, this is exactly what I do all the day.. being impeccable with words.. with gratitude and compassion.
Yesterday, I was chatting with my bro.. for some reason he just got angry. I think I was wrong with my words.But not my intention. He is too angry and not picking up my calls.
Don't know what to do? Can anyone help?
Gifts are not necessary to express gratitude and emotions, but it is thee words that connects and communicates the deepest feeling in your heart. Words can stab one, again can make you feel at the top of the world. Beyond the corporate world also, you need to be impeccable with your words.. Words are stronger than a sword.
Impeccable means without sin. This article really stroke me. It is interesting.
Taking a deeper look.. reading the four agreements ebook.........
I am always confident of wh, of what I say.. what I do.. this is how I am impeccable with mmy words as well as actions
In my profession this is exactly I do all the day.. being impeccable with words.. with gratitude and compassion.
SPEAK WITH GOOD PURPOSE – Speak honestly and kindly yes we should always think before we speak and not to think and regret after we have spoken. Words spoken with a positive and best intention are impeccable as they demonstrate how sincere you are. After practising this.... everything around me has changed for good. I am really happy and blessed. Thanks Jesus!
Going for n interview today. I really need watch out what I speak. I have studied quiet a fews things about facing interviews... but facing one in reality.. gosh I'm nervous
Today is a day where I need to be perfect.. absolutely impeccable with my each word.. but offcourse it's permissible to be lil funny sometime.. It's celebration time.. me the host and bday girl Jenn..
Words can both hurt and heal a heart. Had a plan to dine out with my lovely wife.. I missed it. That time I really understood the importance of flawless words. She is the most understanding friend and partner but I know she was hurt. I got to make up for this.. Any suggestion??
I am careful about my words as they are going to return-back to me like a boomerang.A word of love is always been reciprocated.No more doubts, no more fear.
Sometime it is hard to be unsullied with my words. Making someone understand my point.. specially when it is regarding my work.
Happiness seems to be associated with our words isn't it?
Yes.... Yes... Yes.. I did it.. I witnessed the difference.
I keep catching myself more often half lying to get something out of people or a situation. My wife just got accepted to law school and I pretended to be enthused, not being really honest with myself or her.
Finally a day with more integrity
This is much harder than I first thought. Seems like such a straightforward agreement
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Goals big and small can be the stepping-stones to a happier life and the way we set them can make a difference to achieving them. Here's how.
Having goals for things we want to do and working towards them is an important part of being human. The path towards our goals may not always run smoothly or be easy, but having goals, whether big or small, is part of what makes life good. It gives us a sense of meaning and purpose, points us in the direction we want to go and gets us interested and engaged, all of which are good for our overall happiness.
Over 2000 years ago, Aristotle said "Well begun is half done." And with regards to goals, he's right (as he seems to have been on a lot of things). Paying attention to how we set our goals makes us more like to achieve them and achieving them makes us feel good about ourselves and our lives.
How do you think and feel about the past, the present and the future? Do you tend to see the good side and the opportunities or do you tend to focus on the problems and things that might go wrong? How realistic are you being? All of this matters for how happy and satisfied we are with our lives
People who are optimistic tend to be happier, healthier and cope better when times are tough. So there are a lot of advantages to looking at the world through a positive lens and focusing on the things that are good. However, it's possible to be unrealistically optimistic which isn't a good thing. And it's certainly not helpful to put a positive spin on everything or pretend that things are fine if they're clearly not
Whether we are naturally an optimist or more of a pessimist, it's impossible to know what the future holds. So perhaps the best of both worlds is to be a realistic optimist - someone who tends to maintain a positive outlook, but within the constraints of what they know about the world.
Whether we tend to be optimistic or pessimistic is part of our personality, and can be hard to change - but it is possible. We can become more conscious of our own patterns of thought and learn skills to help us be more flexible in our outlook.
Here are three ways of 'thinking about your thoughts' - you can use them to help shift your outlook on life:
Getting clear about our dreams for the future helps us to crystallise our goals and prioritise the things that are really most important to us. It also helps to focus our attention and efforts on the things we can do to make our dreams a reality. And the evidence shows that it can make us happier as as a result.
Psychologists in America have shown that writing about our dreams for the future can help us become happier. They asked people to write about their future - for 20 minutes a day for four days - imagining that everything had turned out well and all their dreams were realized. People that did so were more likely to feel immediately happier (than people writing about other neutral things) and this effect lasted for several weeks. They even felt better physically too.
But isn't this just fantasyland? Are we just setting people up for disappointment? Well it seems not. For those for whom this action worked, it helped them identify what was really important in their life - what they really valued. They weren't just writing a list or daydreaming - they were describing in detail their vision of the future for themselves. They were then able to identify specific goals to work towards. It seemed to help make them feel that it was in their control to work towards the things they wanted.
To get the most from this action it is important that you:
Ready to try it? Ok here goes…
Enjoy your dreaming!
The ability to deal with challenges that life throws at us is not something that we're either born with or we aren't. One of the most exciting findings from recent research is that coping strategies, like many other life skills, can be learned, practiced and honed - often with wide reaching effects on the quality of our lives.
All of us have to face day to day challenges. And all of us have times of stress or sadness, pain or trauma in our lives. How well we respond to these has a big impact on our well-being.
The good news is that many of the tools that can help us and others feel happier, are also tools that can help us cope in the face of difficulties. And these can also enable us to be open to new experiences and take on new challenges,[1] so helping us learn, develop our skills, build optimism about our future and our confidence in our abilities to deal with what comes our way in life.
So even if you are not going through any particular challenges at the moment, every single one of us can benefit from stocking up on more tools and techniques for coping.
1 What is in your toolkit already?
A good place to start is to take stock of the tools and techniques you feel you make use of regularly and which ones work well for you.
You might not ever have thought of them as coping strategies, as such, but we all have them: a song that we listen to on the way to work to motivate us; going for a run when we are feeling down; meeting up with a friend we know always makes us laugh or who gives us the most balanced and considered advice.
It is equally important to consider what you might need work on - where are the gaps in your armoury? You might be an excellent problem solver but find it difficult when your mood is low but there is nothing to rationalise easily or obvious to 'fix'. Or you might know that you are skilled at working through difficult emotions and moods, but that you need to work at having goals and following through with plans of action. Having a range of tools is the key so that you have flexibility to better deal with what comes along.
It might also be that some of your coping strategies make you feel better in the short term but really don't help in the long run. For example having a few drinks each night because you are unhappy may work to dull the bad feelings at the time, but it does nothing to resolve what is causing them. So have a think - what other actions could you could try that might work better for you overall?
2 Use this Action for Happiness website to build your toolkit
Many of the keys and actions throughout this website can be good additions to your toolkit. As well as boosting how happy we (and others) feel, they can also bolster us in tougher times - both for dealing with everyday challenges and in times of greater trauma. As a starting point why not try:
Giving -Focusing on helping other people shifts our attention away from our own worries. It can often provide perspective when we realise that other people are struggling with things as well. And being able to be a source of support for our loved ones or for people in need has a positive impact on our own wellbeing as well as theirs.
Relating -Having support from people around us is extremely important for happiness and especially so when times are tough. So building our relationships is vital. It helps build happier and more resilient communities too!
Exercise - Be active or Get outside, get into nature- Each of these has been shown to be good tactics to boost feeling good and reduce feeling down.
Appreciate -Mindfulness is a powerful tool to help tune into how we are feeling and to calm and focus our mind.
Emotional positivity -Knowing a few different ways to increase our experience of positive emotions can be really helpful to draw on when the going gets tough. For example, the habit of gratitude is also a great one to get into and sometimes laughter really is the best medicine!
Acceptance -Sometimes our troubles are caused by us giving ourselves an unnecessarily bad time. So we can build resilience by working on some of the skills of self acceptance, such as knowing our strengths and developing more accurate ways to explaining what happens to us to ourselves.
Meaning -Connecting to something bigger than ourselves, such as a faith, spiritual practice or a good cause, is another very important way that helps to make us resilient.
3 Add writing to your toolkit
Emotionally difficult times can have detrimental effects on our physical and emotional health. Research conducted by psychologist James Pennebaker has shown that the act of writing about difficulty or trauma creates the opportunity to process it and find meaning and seems to have remarkable therapeutic potential. Whilst not everyone may benefit from it, those that have come from a wide range of different social and cultural backgrounds.[2]
Pennebaker asked people to write, for fifteen minutes a day over a week, about a traumatic or difficult event. Whilst for many it was not comfortable to recall such an experience, a year later those who had done so were healthier than the control group who had been asked to keep a regular diary. His procedure is now used by many psychologists and researchers today. Whilst it seems odd to find that reliving difficult experiences and negative emotions can be beneficial, Pennebaker suggests that by: "Facing our traumas, we no longer end up in psychological ditches. Rather we can build bridges to the considerable strengths that we all possess".[3]
So if something is troubling you why not try writing about it? Whether by hand or on your computer. Remember this is for you - you don't need to show it to anyone else (unless you want to). These are the exact instructions that he provided:
"For the next four days I would like you to write about your very deepest thoughts and feelings about the most traumatic experience of your life. In your writing, I'd like you to really let you and explore your very deepest emotions and thoughts. You might tie your topic to your relationships with others, including parents, lovers, friends or relatives. You may also want to links your experience to your past, your present or your future, or to who you have been, who you would like to be, or who you are now. You may write about the same general issues or experiences on all days of writing or on different traumas each day. All will be completely confidential." [3]
This exercise is free form - you write anything that comes to you.
For those of us that find it easier to have a structure, psychologist Sonia Lyubomirksy developed the following questions, based on Pennebaker's original writing exercise. (It may also be a helpful structure for a conversation, if you feel it would be helpful to talk to a trusted friend or family member.)[4]
Science shows that our thoughts about things that happen to us can have a big impact on how we feel and how we act. Not just the big events in life but small everyday issues or hassles. But our thinking isn't always obvious and or accurate. Becoming more in tune to our patterns of thinking can have a big impact on our happiness, our behaviour and relationships with others.
This is one of the foundational skills of resilience and has been scientifically shown to have a positive impact on happiness.
It is easy to believe that when bad things happen to us that it is the event itself that is driving how we feel as a result which then causes us to react or behave in particular way. For example when we feel a surge of anger after someone pulls out in front of us when we are driving or guilt when we miss a deadline.
However, research has now shown that it is not the event itself that causes the emotional reaction but the automatic thoughts that run through our head in immediate response to the event. But our emotional reaction can be so fast that our thoughts aren't obvious.
Whilst in many situations our thoughts and so our emotional responses will be appropriate, there can be times when they are not. If our thoughts are inaccurate, particularly in response to negative events, they can drive stronger emotions and reactions than need be. What's more we can fall into patterns that can be detrimental to our happiness not just in that instant but longer term.
There is now strong evidence to suggest that if we can become skilled at recognising our thoughts in response to things that happen and when these are inaccurate, we can become better at understanding and managing our emotional responses and so at choosing our reactions.
This can have a significant impact on our own happiness as well as on our interactions with the people we live, work, or study with.
1 Breaking things down into ABC
The first step is to learn how to untangle our thoughts, feelings and actions.
Dr Albert Ellis, one of the founders of cognitive behavioural therapy, developed what is often called the A-B-C model, which is a useful way of separating things out.
A is the Activating Event, or thing that happened; B is the Belief, or the thoughts that immediately run through our head; and C stands for Consequences - the emotions we feel and how we react as a result.
What Dr Ellis found was that the way people interpreted life events, and the things they said to themselves (B) had a huge bearing on how they felt emotionally and how they behaved (C).
The examples below show how different thoughts about the same event can impact on our feelings and behaviour. Do you think more like Tim, Laura, Mel or Dave?
Example 1 Activating event
You are working hard for a looming deadline. Your boss asks you for the second time that week how the report is going and reminds you that she would like to read it before it goes to the clients.
Tim
Belief - "She thinks I am useless and not capable of doing this on my own. She thinks I am being really slow and should have finished this by now."
Consequences - Feels stressed, worried and sad. Cannot concentrate on the report and end up making unnecessary errors. Do not sleep well that night.
Mel
Belief - "Phew! This is an important project and I am glad that she keeps checking in and will read this through before it is sent off."
Consequences: - Feel reassured and supported. Carry on working on the report, check it through before sending to the boss for review
Example 2 Activating event
You have had a bad day. On your way home you see a friend you haven't seen in a few weeks across the street. You look up and wave and he seems to just ignore you.
Laura
Belief - "Why would he have just ignored me? I must have done something to upset me. Or maybe he just doesn't like me that much."
Consequences - Feel sad and quite down. Make no plans for that evening. friends. Avoid seeing or calling him for a while. Don't call any other friends
Dave
Belief - He seemed really distracted and looked a bit out of sorts. I hope he is ok.
Consequences - Feel fine - a bit concerned. Call him when you get home to check he is ok.
2 Challenging our thoughts
Tuning into to our beliefs or thoughts (B) is unfamiliar territory for most of us. Usually, an event (A) will trigger some kind emotional response in us that will then influence our behaviour (C). More often than not - unless we take the time to stop and reflect - we are either unaware of our thoughts about the event (B) that triggered the emotion, or we leave our interpretation unchallenged.
It might be, of course, that our interpretations are correct and the way we feel and act in response is appropriate. But by tuning into the things we say to ourselves (B) more systematically and carefully it enables us to challenge those thoughts thatareirrational or unhelpful by asking ourselves questions such as:
This can stop us from getting into negative places or negative spirals unnecessarily - and enable us to take control of how we choose to respond.
From Example 2 above, Laura could challenge herself by asking herself what evidence she has that she has upset her friend or she could think of what might have caused him not to notice her - perhaps he wasn't wearing his glasses or has been under a lot of pressure at work and so was pre-occupied. By thinking these alternative thoughts she is likely to feel less down and is more likely to make contact with her friends.
Why not try the A-B-C model using examples from your day, or an event that has been on your mind recently? You may find it helpful to write it out as in the example above. In describing the activating event (A) be sure to stick to the facts of what actually happened - it is easy to include our thoughts.
Keep practicing - good habits take effort but they are hard to break too!
3 Spotting the patterns
If you become adept at tuning in to the way you think about things and interpret events, you might start to notice that you say the same kinds of things to yourself over and over again.
Perhaps you are someone that always blames yourself. Or that always blames others when things go awry. Or someone that thinks they are not good enough, that others are always better than them. Perhaps you are prone to worrying about things all the time - even things that might not, and often do not, happen.
As the examples in the A-B-C table above demonstrate, each way of interpreting an event has an impact on our emotions and behaviour. If we develop particular unhelpful thinking patterns, it is likely that particular emotions will also become familiar to us. For example - people who blame themselves will be more likely to experience feelings of guilt or sadness, whereas people who tend to blame others will feel more anger. People who feel they aren't good enough are likely to feel sadness, embarrassment or shame.
So. It is a good idea to be particularly wary of your 'stock phrases'. They might not always be wrong, of course - but it is wise to learn how to spot them quickly and to challenge them when they pop into your mind. This can help you to avoid getting stuck in unhelpful downward spirals.
Meditation is an ancient tradition that has been scientifically studied and shown to have a big positive impact on our minds and bodies. It's easy to learn, but needs regular practice. It's worth trying - as once you've learnt it, you'll truly have a skill for a happier life.
Scientific research has shown that meditation has many benefits for our well-being, including:
What's more, regular practice over time can literally change the structure of our brains so that we are able to experience more positive emotion.
But that's not all, there is evidence that meditation can also help improve: our ability to focus, our level of alertness, our memory, our academic performance and creativity.
Practicing meditation has been shown to help us get in touch with our feelings and over time it can increase how happy and optimistic we feel as well as our sense of spirituality. It can help us accept who we are and increase our sense of fulfilment. It can also help us build empathy and compassion and so help improve our relationships with other people.
Wow! Surely something with so many potential benefits is worth trying?
A simple meditation
A simple way to start is to set aside 10 minutes when you won't be disturbed. You'll need some way of timing yourself - a kitchen timer or timer on your mobile phone is ideal. Here goes:
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.
We take things personally when we agree with what others have said. If we didn't agree, the things that others say would not affect us emotionally. If we did not care about what others think about us, their words or behavior could not affect us.
Even if someone yells at you, gossips about you, harms you or yours, it still is not about you! Their actions and words are based on what they believe in their personal dream.
Our personal “Book of Law” and belief system makes us feel safe. When people have beliefs that are different from our own, we get scared, defend ourselves, and impose our point of view on others. If someone gets angry with us it is because our belief system is challenging their belief system and they get scared. They need to defend their point of view. Why become angry, create conflict, and expend energy arguing when you are aware of this?
Acknowledging other's point of view is also a great way to not to take things personally. This is effective in Leadership. Since, I am getting into the corporate world, I need to know in and out of it.
Taking things perfonally, makes life too much dificult. Earlier, I used to stay depressed all the time, prefered to stay in my room. Literally, I used to lock myself in, and sob.. WITH NO REASON. I was scared, I used to eat to get rid of it. But, nothing happened just put on 40 pounds. Then I started to follow this course, and I got some confidence in myself.. I got out and appllied for a job and infact got it. Now, I have changed. I am really amazed to see that. Today, I really don't go on thinking what he said... what did he mean and everything.. Now I smile a lot and I am controlling my diet too...
True thing, it is very challenging. It needs a lot off discipline so that we can reach the goal. I try not to take things personally but now or then I end up taking it. With a certain thought rolling in my mind I just across www.mindbodygreen.com and discovered "Like yoga, living this truth is a discipline, a consistent practice only reached through the genuine love of self".
Even it is stated in holy Bible "Don't eavesdrop on others--you may hear your servant curse you." True... if we don't pay attention to all the words; it is only going to make the life better.
Ok.. Not to take anything personally.. But how... Search some easy application here it goes.
AHHHHH!! Truely anxiety, anger they are the most negative emotions.. we just spend my time and energy because we cannot handle our emotions excitement sometime... Even if we need to.. there is always a positive way to do so rather than taking everything personally and hurting ourselves.
Regained the control of my life in my own hands.
Now when I know who I am, how I am.. It really doesn't disturb me much if others thinking positive or negative. All I know if, I am good to everyone then I would be reciprocated same way..
I am bothered all the time.. Thinking and thinking..
I always anticipate and imagine what others belief about me. I don’t incline to; however I can’t stop thinking.
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Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
When we make assumptions it is because we believe we know what others are thinking and feeling. We believe we know their point of view, their dream. We forget that our beliefs are just our point of view based on our belief system and personal experiences and have nothing to do with what others think and feel.
We make the assumption that everybody judges us, abuses us, victimizes us, and blames us the way we do ourselves. As a result we reject ourselves before others have the chance to reject us. When we think this way, it becomes difficult to be ourselves in the world.
Take action and be clear to others about what you want or do not want; do not gossip and make assumptions about things others tell you. Respect other points of view and avoid arguing just to be right. Respect yourself and be honest with yourself. Stop expecting the people around you to know what is in your head.
Assumptions.... gosh... they are just confusing.. they play with my mind. Good to quit them but they seems to be pursueing you all the time
We are so busy in our daily lives, that we don't even have time to listen what other's have to say. Instead we just assume. When we don't interact we dont take an initiative to understand what is there in other person's heart. Most of the couple quarrel are centred with this issue..
Too many break ups... Sad!!
Cynthia, is the wonder women. She just KNOWS
What is realistic assumption? We're not suppose to depend on assumptions I know, but assumptions are a part of economics and insuarance. I am just getting bit perplexed. Could someone help me to clear this?
"When the assumptions prove to be wrong it is often far too late to go back and fix the ruined relationship. Sometimes, years may pass before the real reasons for one's actions are communicated and by that time there is usually a sense of regret and guilt that adds more strain on the bond between the two people"..........Read it somewhere. So true it is.
My assumptions are always proven to be wrong. :( Nope! nothing serious, just assumed a few small things, but......
I don't want to exaggerate things with stupid baseless assumptions. It does nothing apart from making me anxious. Took me a lot hard work to not make any vague assumption.
Thinking less, worrying lesser.Not making assumptions. Smiling more.
Even if I have assumptions I tend to confirm them..
I assume people make assumptions about my assuming. this lady laughed. I wanted to punch her
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.
Doing your best means enjoying the action without expecting a reward. The pleasure comes from doing what you like in life and having fun, not from how much you get paid. Enjoy the path traveled and the destination will take care of itself.
Living in the moment and releasing the past helps us to do the best we can in the moment. It allows us to be fully alive right now, enjoying what is present, not worrying about the past or the future.
Have patience with yourself. Take action. Practice forgiveness. If you do your best always, transformation will happen as a matter of course.
This is so true about me. There was a time when I was not satisfied with what I had. Depression and sadness surrounded me. This did not help me in any way. Now by following this art of doing best I have learnt to be happy. No matter what the situation is I do my best to achieve what I want to. This not only gives the satisfaction of victory but happiness as well. An added benefit, isn’t it?
I don't know what could be the exact reason. But, I cannot concentrate and eventually leaving the task-in-hand incomplete. That is definitely aweful. I really cannot put it into words how I feel, just being angry....
Going to start fresh..
Can any meleaner help me? Suggest me what is wrong with me and what should I do.
I messed up whole thing.. Feeling horrible.. Too bad.. I just spoiled my lunch.. I am going to have a friend coming in any moment gosh!! I was preoccupied and messed it..
Nothing can substitute hard work!!
What if you try your best, but nothing good happens? Not once, not twice...
I have just started with my job.. working hard.. It is more of a rush.. Rushing through the day.. get up.. get ready.. grab something to eat.. run to office.. meeting.. cups of caffiene.. then back home..
By the time I am home.. I am too tired... While doing my best for my job.. am I doing my best for myself?
A pleasant smile amplifies the effort put in.... Doing my best
Always do your best. What we plant now, we would harvet later...
We always try to create opportunities for ourselves and improve the situation we are living in. For this we just need to give our best in all our efforts.There I found out this article that states 20 ways to give the best and make the life better.
I have always noticed that.. .assumptions, doubts hinders me from performing. It took me long 4 years to get a hold on myself and bring the best.
I have done it. Last day I blogged that I did my best in my interview.. I am blogging today to log my result.. I got appreciated for my crisp and honest answers. I am just so glad. From the time I have been practising the course here I really felt the tremendous change in me.. it just got expressed in actual things after me succeeding in getting the job. Thanks http://www.melearni.ng
Well I am back home... It went well .. MY INTERVIEW... I think I got them impressed. FIngers crossed I just hope to get this job. . . . I was tensed but when I was actually interviewed I took it at ease and answered with a smile.
I have learnt not only to smile but also been confident. Thanks
My love Cynthia have been longing to renovate the house... Atlast I am going to get it done.. Together we.. I think it would be a best way to be with her and also my passion my work..
There is a say in India Mythology...Lord Krishna advised Arjun in the Mahabharat ... Karm kiye ja, phal ki chinta mat kar. Which means don't worry what would be the result, just do what you're supposed to do. . .
It touched me.......
I have been busy in an assignment. Making furniture is my passion, I love to take challenges. Do tricky things. Honestly there was a certain section where I was totally confused.. I sat down in silent corner. I had to let go what I knew, what I already did.. and give some spacefor new creation. And then....
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. . . This exercise always reminds me of Newton's third law of motion.. It touches my heart.
To my surprise I just got impatient and almost lost my temper... I took in a deep breathe count 1 to 10 and released. A childhood trick.. Did best!!
Overall, I am happy. It is no doubt a new beginning to me. Here I am confident, doing best and above all smiling.
I see my efforts paying off.. I smile, I see people around me talking to in a different way. This doesn't mean I would stop doing my best. I just started.
Nothing new.. Just wanted to share I am doing my best.
All the time..
This is something I always do; living in present, giving the best of my effort, especially when it comes to my hobby or passion. But patience is amiss.
Kept fumbling at work non stop today. Got home and tried not to berate myself. I guess I did my best. Was reminded of the comedian routine where the guy cries at home after a hard day telling himself he did his best.
Always always
We can make the best of our time by working with well defined outcomes in focus. It is about having the end result defined.
Making your own meal is a minimalist practice because it is cheaper. You also help in minimizing waste by not carrying disposable food containers like you would if you take home overpriced food from a restaurant. Packing your own lunch will also save you from traveling to a restaurant and waiting for your food.
The easiest way to begin implementing this practice is to begin by cooking breakfast. It’s the easiest meal to make for yourself, and it’s a simple way to introduce the habit. After a month, you will have saved plenty of money you otherwise would’ve spent on overpriced breakfast meals.
Cycling is a low-impact exercise that goes easy on your joints, but an effective cardiovascular activity. You can cycle around the tracks, the road, in the gym or join a cycling club. Even for small daily works you can cycle the way which serves both as exercise again work. It pumps your heart and helps in smooth blood flow, as well as tones your body muscles and strengthens too.
How to pick up the best suited bicycle for yourself? In case you are confused with the types, performance, here check this article. I just got a Giant Escape 3 for myself.. A perfect hybrid bike and very comfortable.. I cycle to the gym now..
Today no gyming .. took out my bicycle .. and went out.